Monday, May 01, 2006

What now?

When I was in college, I thought the emptiness I felt inside would be filled with purpose (then I was fired from my first Broadcasting job).

When I got married, I thought my emptiness would be filled by a love shared with my husband (then we were divorced).

When I started down the God road, I thought He would fill the emptiness forever (then day to day life set in).

The thought of the emptiness not going away is starting to scare me just a bit. And being in my early 30's with my clock ticking in more ways than one, I'm afraid somewhere along the way I'll get the idea that a family will fill the void. And I haven't made up my mind if I even want a family (nevermind filling the emptiness with one).

By the time I get hooked up for the second time, it may simply be too late. Do I find reassurance perhaps there's another plan for me, much better than anything I could imagine? Of course not. The hardest thing for me is to trust, have faith and simply let things unfold as they will. Right, that's everyone else's problem as well.

Let things unfold as they will... what kind of ridiculous notion is this? Who exactly has this ability and where can I get it? On the other hand, "taking the bull by the horns" clearly seems like a bad idea.

So, what then?

Is there such a thing as personal fulfillment?

While the hysteria of my twenties has faded with an exclamation point beyond my early thirties, I'm supposed to be embracing a self love and awareness that is apparently my natural born right (or so the self help books would have me believe). And although I'm clearly more confident and calm, by no means have my anxious tendencies released their grip on me.

Is life really a continuous circle with no destination and no conclusion? God would have us believe that heaven is the destination. While this certainly seems fine from a big picture point of view, He's hardly created us to sit idly by, content to simply be filled with peace and love.

Even this rambling... I want to write but have nothing to say. From where do I draw my inspiration?

Where indeed. Back in time for the beginning of the circle. How utterly reassuring.