Another weekend

I worked Monday, and now I'm on another weekend (I have today and tomorrow off). : )

Plus, Van Morrison is playing the Dome tonight. He'd better be good! I say this because I have a fear he will suck live and then the image of my favorite musician will be ruined for good. Is that irrational? I have not liked all of his discs (and I truly expected to). I thought when you loved someones music, you could buy any disc and love it by association--not so, especially not with Van Morrison. One of my favorite recent albums (by recent, I mean in the last ten years) is Back on Top. From this album came a few of my all-time favorites: New Biography and Reminds Me of You. However, I have not liked any of his music since, yet regrettably bought into the philosophy above and still purchased a few discs.

I read a review by Paul Frieson the other day which indicated Van Morrison is more than a bit moody; he used to leave the stage early if the performance wasn't up to par, and as such has a contractual obligation to now go for at least 90 minutes--which is apparently the most he'll play for. The article also mentioned how Van Morrison often avoids eye contact, preferring to sing with his eyes closed, and seldom says anything.

Sounds like a dream concert to me. Sigh. Not to mention our seats aren't so hot (Section 216), which I purchased in a pre-sale through Keystone Music. I didn't realize you can hold out and luck in to really good seats if you're willing to wait and keep checking. Alas. With the cost of the tickets alone, Van owes me a good show.

In reality, I'll be happy as hell if he plays the song that started it all for me, I'm in heaven when you smile. I heard this song played in 1994 on our College radio station, CMRC, and for weeks afterwards I kept singing bits of it to anyone I thought could tell me the name of the artist. After that song, I was in heaven discovering song after Van Morrison song from Real, Real Gone to Ancient Highway (one of my favorite sad songs).

His voice simply takes me to another place.

Rascal Flatts' Concert

What a night! What a concert!

I knew from the moment I heard the announcement, I had to see Rascal Flatts live--they did not disappoint! My sweet man came through in ordering the tickets, and we had great seats. Sharing a concert with someone you love is rather special (or maybe it's just because it was with Robert). : )

to the show... it opened with Where you are, and at one point fireworks rained down in front of the band, which was visually stunning. The stage itself was fabulous with a plethora of mini-tv screens adding a spectacular visual element.
Just about all my favorite songs were played; Broken Road was sung to a dome filled with twinkling lights as fans were encouraged to wave anything emitting a glow. Throughout the crowd women wore a range of homemade shirts from, "I humped Gary (the lead singer)", to "I'll be the rascal if you lie flat".

A better time could not have been had.

Babel

I can't believe I'm about to plug a movie featuring Brad Pitt. Sigh. What has my world come to?

Before the movie started, I was debating if watching it was the equivalent of approving of poor moral behavior (yes, I'm serious). Could I really watch a movie featuring a man who left his wife for the other woman? I'm sure this seems like a ridiculous question to most, but the whole Jennifer/Brad thing took place during the breakdown of my own marriage; my ex also chose the woman everyone accused him of cheating on me to begin with. Since then, I'm quite sensitive to the issue and I've been re-aligning my moral compass by trying to make value based choices and decisions--which doesn't include directly or indirectly supporting anyone with lousy character.

Before I consciously made the decision, however, the movie began and I was quickly swept away. Now I have to say, Babel is fantastically written and shot, and I can't help but appreciate its quality. First of all, I'm a huge Cate Blanchett fan--she's a brilliant, versatile actress and I've enjoyed her in just about every role she's played. As for Brad Pitt, I was reminded he often chooses to play characters which are rarely typical or simply "pretty". In Babel, he plays an ordinary man embarking on a personal journey who gets more than he set out for (to oversimplify). It was refreshing to see him in a role outside of the one he's been assigned by the tabloids.

Babel is told from four viewpoints, which all tie together at various points and come together in the end. Certainly not a new concept, but done remarkably well. So, plug Babel (and Brad Pitt), I must. Although I should warn you, the movie is extremely intense.

My friend says choosing to watch a movie is not the same as endorsing the actor's poor behavior or character, but I disagree. Would I go see a play written or acted by someone who had done harm to my family? Am I going to buy the paintings of a proven pedophile? Of course not, so why would I put my hard earned dollars indirectly into the pocket of a potential womanizer or home wrecker? Yes, I know I don't know the whole story, but do I want to take the chance?

I think too often people are rewarded for having poor morals, or for behaving badly. There is little accountability in the world today, and I'm determined to hold someone accountable for their decisions. My friend is quick to point out people make mistakes when they get married, which makes divorce the only viable option. I suppose, considering my pathetic previous marriage material, but I still think couples have a responsibility, based on the vows they took, to do everything possible to live up to those vows. However, when I think of the wonderful man I'm with now, obviously some things end for the better. : )

None the less, since the Brangelina thing exploded, I've decided to boycott as much related information as possible, as I don't think there are enough repercussions for people with crappy character. You would think I, of all people, would have more understanding of the possible variables involved in the breakdown of a marriage. Right now I'm having a hard time seeing past the people who need to take more responsibility for their poor character. I'm having a hard time letting people continue to get by living their bullshit lies.

Luckily my therapist informs me this is natural (and healthy), at least for the time being.

Free Day

I found out yesterday I had today off. Nice. Although I'm sure a better day could have been assigned as off (with more notice), I'll take it. After yesterday's cluster using our new software at work, I could use a day off.

Now I feel as though I was given a mental massage (though my blood pressure seemed a bit high when I tested it at the Superstore...). Anyway, I saw my therapist this morning, conveniently enough, and afterwards I felt relaxed and reassured. To think at the beginning of our sessions I wasn't sure about him. Now I know he's the exact objective opinion I crave. I consider our appointments a mental calibration. Sometimes I brace myself to tell him something I consider revealing, but his response always surprises me. I expect an exaggerated gasp, or a horrified look, but he often tells me my behavior is not only normal, but expected. What a relief.

Because if I only had friends and family opinions to rely on, I'd be in trouble. : ) Not to knock my friends or family, but often people want what's best for you as long as it doesn't make them uncomfortable. When you're recovering from past trauma in any capacity, that schedule rarely conforms to what you want, never mind what anyone else might want.

I don't know how everyone isn't in therapy, actually. Is everyone else really so fantastic with their mental and emotional management? Am I the exception to the norm, which seems unlikely?

I don't know, but at least I'm doing fine according to someone, which will have to do for now. : )


"You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains."

"I think I need a sunrise. I'm tired of the sunset."

- Boston, Augustana

Sweet Valentine

I'm sure there's some kind of etiquette regarding raving about how wonderful your boyfriend is on Valentine's Day, but when you get an email sent early in the morning titled, "Ten things I love about you", and it's not a canned message--clearly the whole world should hear how amazing he really is. I'd like to add, this is a man who does not "believe" in Valentine's Day, but understands "it's not about him". No, you cannot have him.

Anyway, this email was unbelievable. And it wasn't a bunch of random short bullets, either. It was a thoughtfully complied list of things he truly loves about me, and who can argue with that? Boys everywhere may be cursing such a man, but the payoff for this one day of romance can be long term (in my world anyway). Not that I don't appreciate how wonderful he is the rest of the year, but to discover such a man exists (and is with me), is fabulous. : )

I was all prepared to go on a Valentine rant about how men everywhere were against Valentine's Day and what a disappointment that is. I was going to further add that my couple's therapist from years back said he does things for his wife because he loves her, but she cannot expect him to always like what he's doing. AKA, Rob taking part in VD for my sake, but not being particularly keen on it. I was also going to go on about how I wasn't sure what I thought of this approach--did I think it was reasonable for men to participate unwillingly (as it tends to make us women a bit grumpy when you have your cake and don't like it too).

Then I got Rob's email.

Well, like it or not, he's done a hell of a job (and my expectations were quite low). Compared to any Valentine I've ever had (the last being a present two days later, literally thrown down on the table in front of me), he's the best ever.

But that can be said about Rob on every level. : )

Happy Valentine's Day, indeed.

Yes, yes, what am I doing for him? Plenty (even though he'd rather I didn't). I'm approaching it from a standpoint of what a man might like on such a day, as opposed to simply what I want to give. I'm hoping he might come around to see Valentine's day doesn't have to be exclusively about the women, cards and candy--a man can set an expectation for romance, as well (even if it isn't reasonable to expect us to enjoy it).

What a difference

a week makes.

Wow. I literally felt like a different person last week. Anxiety is a scary thing (or hormones, as it's hard to pinpoint the real culprit). By far it's the worst emotion for me, and it's taken me many years to even learn how to combat the typically negative focus and thoughts I am naturally bombarded with. While I acknowledge my progress, I can't help but worry over what I'll be like if I get pregnant. I'm actually quite worried I might experience intense emotions which I'll not be able to combat in any prescriptive sense. Yes, I know... I'm not pregnant, so why worry?

I'm sure this sounds weak, but after experiencing seven or eight days of intense anxiety, depression and irritability, it's clear to me it isn't simply "mind over matter". I'm the first person to accept your thoughts control your feelings, but if you are chemically or hormonally overwhelmed, there is a certain lack of control. Nothing I tried last week worked. I worked out, and afterwards felt more angry and agressive. Compared to this week, after I worked out last night, I felt great.

Now my brother says he has anxiety (rolling eyes). I believe he's a hypochondriac and has developed anxiety in response to another family member's current experience with the less than pleasant emotion. : ) The truth is, my whole family tends towards hypochondria. I suppose it's some consolation I come by it honestly, but it really dosen't help in my day to day interactions with people (who I'm sure think I'm a little more than unusual).

You'd think I'd be more sympathetic of my brother and his anxiety, but... no.
: )

Thursday

I feel grumpy. I'm not sure why, exactly. It could be hormones, it could be the -16 walk into work (which froze my forehead), or it could be it's early in the morning and I'm at work. I'm frustrated because I recognize this as a hard mood to pull out of--somewhat like trying to pull out of a plane dive. At the edge of my thoughts, I realize I'm incredibly blessed, but this plane is flown by emotion and I don't have the luxury of simply getting out. I love people who say "walk it off", "shake it off" and the like. It's really not that simple. Every negative thought I allow to drift into my mind sends the plane deeper and deeper into the nose dive. Pulling out of this mood requires extreme mental discipline and perseverance to fight these all encompassing emotions and negative thoughts.

Yesterday I was in a communications meeting to redesign our course registration and planning guide. In this meeting were people from the strategic marketing dept, which I applied for a few months back, and next to me sat the woman who got the job. : )

I couldn't help but wonder if I would have been better or worse at the position, but since the failed attempt, I've decided it's pointless to pursue any future positions in communications. Clearly I'm not meant to work in communications in any capacity, because I rarely get the interview, never get the job, and it appears as though the universe (aka God), simply doesn't want me to go down that road. What else am I supposed to assume? That job was the closest I've ever come.

So, what else is in store for me then? I wish there was something designed for my personality, but I've no idea what that is. I just feel like my life has been wasted on shitty circumstances.

Someone at work yesterday referred to my negativity (sigh). I wish I had a baseball card with my statistics outlining all the crappy things which have occurred to me that invariably turned me into the person I am today. I'm sure I'd get a bit more compassion and a proper perspective of my so-called "negativity". This thought, of course, makes me sad and sorry for myself.

Suddenly I am brought back to my current reality in which I am surrounded and inundated with deliberate positivity. This is my desk. All around me I've situated positive quotes, photos, happy colors, and anything which I might find comforting during times like these. Obviously on purpose. And so, sitting in front of me are the words, "When one door of happiness closes-another door opens, but often we look so long at the closed door we do not see the one which has been opened before us."



I get caught up in the past and the wasted opportunities, but my present and future are very promising indeed. Thus the photo of Robert. : ) We are discussing moving in, which is both thrilling and scary. This morning I left some things at his house for the first time, which makes me feel extremely vulnerable; I'm terrified of repeating past mistakes. My previous relationship left me traumatized and overly sensitive.

Thank God my current relationship is night and day from the past one. Thank God for Robert.

Lastly, on my wall are the words: "This too shall pass."

And so it will.