Thursday

I feel grumpy. I'm not sure why, exactly. It could be hormones, it could be the -16 walk into work (which froze my forehead), or it could be it's early in the morning and I'm at work. I'm frustrated because I recognize this as a hard mood to pull out of--somewhat like trying to pull out of a plane dive. At the edge of my thoughts, I realize I'm incredibly blessed, but this plane is flown by emotion and I don't have the luxury of simply getting out. I love people who say "walk it off", "shake it off" and the like. It's really not that simple. Every negative thought I allow to drift into my mind sends the plane deeper and deeper into the nose dive. Pulling out of this mood requires extreme mental discipline and perseverance to fight these all encompassing emotions and negative thoughts.

Yesterday I was in a communications meeting to redesign our course registration and planning guide. In this meeting were people from the strategic marketing dept, which I applied for a few months back, and next to me sat the woman who got the job. : )

I couldn't help but wonder if I would have been better or worse at the position, but since the failed attempt, I've decided it's pointless to pursue any future positions in communications. Clearly I'm not meant to work in communications in any capacity, because I rarely get the interview, never get the job, and it appears as though the universe (aka God), simply doesn't want me to go down that road. What else am I supposed to assume? That job was the closest I've ever come.

So, what else is in store for me then? I wish there was something designed for my personality, but I've no idea what that is. I just feel like my life has been wasted on shitty circumstances.

Someone at work yesterday referred to my negativity (sigh). I wish I had a baseball card with my statistics outlining all the crappy things which have occurred to me that invariably turned me into the person I am today. I'm sure I'd get a bit more compassion and a proper perspective of my so-called "negativity". This thought, of course, makes me sad and sorry for myself.

Suddenly I am brought back to my current reality in which I am surrounded and inundated with deliberate positivity. This is my desk. All around me I've situated positive quotes, photos, happy colors, and anything which I might find comforting during times like these. Obviously on purpose. And so, sitting in front of me are the words, "When one door of happiness closes-another door opens, but often we look so long at the closed door we do not see the one which has been opened before us."



I get caught up in the past and the wasted opportunities, but my present and future are very promising indeed. Thus the photo of Robert. : ) We are discussing moving in, which is both thrilling and scary. This morning I left some things at his house for the first time, which makes me feel extremely vulnerable; I'm terrified of repeating past mistakes. My previous relationship left me traumatized and overly sensitive.

Thank God my current relationship is night and day from the past one. Thank God for Robert.

Lastly, on my wall are the words: "This too shall pass."

And so it will.

Argh

I feel weary. I feel as though the battle can never be won and it will be a long time before the struggle ends. But feelings aren't facts (sigh). If only the thought made the feeling go away. This is the sort of thinking which causes my therapist to try and medicate me. Nice, (big sigh).

I want to start on a, "What's it all for?" rant, but I don't have the energy. : ) It's fun being dramatic. Still...

I'm haunted from words spoken by a woman at work whose partner died in a car accident a few years ago. Weeks before it happened she told a co-worker, "I feel as though we're turning a corner."

How do you turn your thoughts away from the reality of that? It makes me numb.

How about the wife who lost her second husband in a car accident, very close to the same location where her first husband crashed his car and died. Absolutely staggering. That is tragedy.

And I have the nerve to feel sorry for myself because I'm not a natural born Pollyanna?

It would be much easier not to give a shit.


What's the likelihood of that?

"But there's a secret garden she hides..." ~ Bruce Springsteen, Secret Garden

What motivates you?

I often wonder how others are motivated. My thinking that precipitates this sort of wondering comes from me writing only when I'm in a bad mood. Rarely do I write when things are going well, or I've had a good day. The danger with this kind of pattern is the perception it leaves. Yeah, yeah, I should not be concerned with what others think, but I've been dogged my whole life with the label of "negative", to the point where my ex referred to me as Negatiffany. Fucker. : ) And while I have undergone some distinct changes, this label still follows me in new relationships and old.

Some of the people I've dated have asked me outright, "Are you negative?" Well, what if I'm more of a realist, as opposed to a fatalist? Therapists have told me they think it's partly an environmental influence, coupled with past events, and perhaps even a natural disposition. Fantastic. So, if I were like some people, I'd use that as a disclaimer: "I come by it naturally; you've been warned--deal with it." But I'm not. I prefer to look at my behavior in terms of modification, as opposed to acceptance, or even a cure. (But God, if there are cures, please, please send them down to me).

The odd time He listens.

Oh...well, what has he cured? I don't friggin know. I just know I'm not as ridiculously bitter as I'm entitled to be. Yes, entitled. When enough bad shit happens to you, you are entitled to be bitter, as far as I'm concerned. There's a line from King of Sorrow by Sade, "I've already paid for all my future sins". That sums it up. But I still choose not to be bitter (some people may argue that, screw you, I say). : ) I just wish I got more credit for those choices. There I go again, seeking some sort of outward approval. Forget you people, how about that? I'm good just the way I am.

Ahhhh, the temptation to put a question mark at the end of that sentence... Alas.

But, thank God for Ipods, how about that? The ability to carry your own "soundtrack" around with you--how utterly delightful.

"Catch a Dylan song or some eclipse of the moon.
Let an angel swing and make you swoon, then you will see...
You will see."

The Riddle - Five for Fighting