Thursday, June 01, 2006

To write write write

I see a keyboard, feel the pen in my hand, look down at the paper before me...excitement stirs in my chest, but before I can type, or scrawl, I must know, what am I writing?

People have said, just write. To a linear person such as myself, that's like saying start in the middle, or worse, at the end.

I must know, but I must also simply begin.

Begin at the beginning then.

A cute coffee mug with the word "begin" etched in the front sits on top of my bookshelf. My friend Suzy gave it to me as a baptism present. Up until that point, I'd held on to my emotions pretty well, but when I read that word--it settled into me, and then the tears came. I didn't cry much, a few choked up words, a quick thank you hug, but even now I feel moved when I look across the room and "begin" catches my eye.

I used to think I was only good at beginnings. Like a lot of people, I like to start many projects, but have a hard time deciding which ones to finish, nevermind feeling motivated to finish them all (the thought is staggering and makes me shake my head in disbelief--does anyone really think they are going to finish everything they start?)

Really, it's more about me being very bad at goodbyes. When a relationship ends, invariably one or the other person says, "It's not like our love with die, or cease to exist...I'll always love you."

Well, who really gives a shit if the end result is the same and the relationship is over? The love does die. The person you were in that relationship truly ceases to exist, for both of you.

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay awhile and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never, ever, the same", Flavia.

I will never be the same. And the more time that passes, the more I forget what any of those feelings were ever like. I saw my ex at a baseball game recently and I felt nothing more than a sense of, "I wish you well." There was no longing, no sadness, not even a sense of wanting to reminisce (although not enough time may have passed for that one).

And yet, in the past few days my emotions have been stirred up over some trigger dates and the guy I'm dating. Relationships are complicated. No one can possibly convince me otherwise.

I was at a retreat and the pastor told us, "We are hurt in relationship, but we are also healed. And we are healed so that we can be a safe place for someone else." I thought this was extremely profound. But does anyone else? Is the magic I feel from time to time, or the stirring of my heart, a figment of my imagination, or a creation born out of an intrinsic longing that is familiar to everone?

Why would God fill me with so many questions? What purpose could all of these questions possibly serve? And I rarely wait to hear the answers. God is speaking to me, but there doesn't seem to be enough silence to listen.