Tuesday, September 26, 2006


I feel weary. I feel as though the battle can never be won and it will be a long time before the struggle ends. But feelings aren't facts (sigh). If only the thought made the feeling go away. This is the sort of thinking which causes my therapist to try and medicate me. Nice, (big sigh).

I want to start on a, "What's it all for?" rant, but I don't have the energy. : ) It's fun being dramatic. Still...

I'm haunted from words spoken by a woman at work whose partner died in a car accident a few years ago. Weeks before it happened she told a co-worker, "I feel as though we're turning a corner."

How do you turn your thoughts away from the reality of that? It makes me numb.

How about the wife who lost her second husband in a car accident, very close to the same location where her first husband crashed his car and died. Absolutely staggering. That is tragedy.

And I have the nerve to feel sorry for myself because I'm not a natural born Pollyanna?

It would be much easier not to give a shit.

What's the likelihood of that?

"But there's a secret garden she hides..." ~ Bruce Springsteen, Secret Garden

Tuesday, September 05, 2006


It's reassuring and alarming how everything in life changes according to perception. There is no truth. Historians determine facts based on written accounts of observations. Yet, how many people debate the truth of the bible, or the existence of Jesus?

Another part of the definition of fact is: "something believed to be true or real." Well, your perception is based on what you believe to be true. If you believe you're no good, at any given moment your perception of yourself is colored by this belief. Not to mention how this perception alters your view of events and affects all social interaction.

If you can't trust your perception because it's not based on fact or truth, what can you trust? Who can you trust? Who's perception matters the most? If you're religious, you might say God or Jesus. If you're married, you might say your wife or children. Hell, you might even think your parent's perception makes a difference.

The older I get, the more I wonder and question what my perceptions are based on. What skewed "take" do I have on things? Who's opinions have I accepted as my own, unquestioned? There are clearly times I've made my mind up where no set of facts compel me to change my perception. This makes self sabotage easy. I've shared my perception and talked people into believing my view of things. When you're dogged by negative thinking, these are dangerous conversations to lure people into.

I am trapped by my perception, which influences how I'm perceived.

What's really driving this rant...? Will my perception of the man I'm dating end up being just as fucked as my perception was of my ex husband?


It's kind of reassuring and alarming to get to the root of a issue.

An issue with no resolve.

An issue with no truth.


Or this could be a simple pile of psycho-babble crap

(depending on your perception).