Sunday, June 20, 2010
As I'm still on hiatus from Facebook and Email, I had to have something to kill time with on the Internet, so I chose some yahoo news, of all things, and redesigning my blog. After the Miley Cyrus upskirt photo controversy, I found myself on Perez Hilton's blog and I must say, what a complete waste of time. First and last time I'll be heading there. How are these idiots making a name for themselves? I don't spend much time on Internet sites, even other friend's blogs, for some reason--perhaps I'm narcissistic, or perhaps it makes me feel inadequate when I look at my own blogging capacity or day to day output in life. Hard to say. : )
Anyway, for people who don't know HTML, blogger has offered some nice design options with a fair bit of variety in terms of customization. My only complaint would be in not being able to upload your own photo for a background image. Which I'm sure if I investigated HTML a bit more, I'd be able to do fairly easily (she says without trying). As is, I did manage to kill a fair bit of time and still feel like I was able to get some satisfaction from using the Internet.
Why would I need an Internet "fix"? Well, it's fun for one thing (when family members are not plotting your demise), and it's nice to have access to people outside of the normal means of seeing or calling them. Makes you feel like you're connected without really trying. Makes you feel like you have a "network" even if it's only on the surface.
Not sure how much longer I'll continue with the hiatus, but I do notice feeling much more relaxed. I'm still aware there are possible messages waiting to stress me out, or even none which would also stress me out under the circumstances based on the communications that have been exchanged thus far.
I'm still not getting much more accomplished baby-wise, but did manage to put together the stroller which was fun. Rob and I joked about taking it out for a walk to have someone come up to us to "admire" the baby so we could react in surprise at where said baby was. : ) Seriously though, how come this nesting thing hasn't kicked in? Maybe I'm just wired differently.
Have to mention my pleasant experience with a mature salesperson at Sephora. I had inquired about whether or not my foundation was the correct shade (I'm always quite frustrated at the difference in color between my neck and face in photos). The woman briefly analyzed my face as compared to my neck, took a scrutinizing look at my complexion and proceeded to compliment the daylights out of me--to the point where I was blushing. Okay, all she was really saying was how great I looked, how I was glowing, that my eye makeup (while very simple) was flattering, and how my blush was nice and just the right amount, which turned into a commentary on how some pregnant women let themselves go, etc, etc.
What pregnant woman does not want to be told how lovely she looks? It certainly beats your parents telling you over and over "how big this baby is going to be" despite the doctor telling you you're measuruing just right.
Ahhhh, how I can not resist the digs into my family! I recognize this for what it is, but this blog remains my outlet of random retribution (as only one family member is aware of it, who I'm rather fond of so do not fear her knowing about my ramblings or acerbic comments). And any attempt to share the blog with other members of my family has resulted in little to no attention as they can not see the world outside their own neruoses.
I really do welcome a new little person with which to shower postive love, reinforcement and attention, it will be a refreshing change of emotional scenery--and just in time, I might add.
No, I don't overly worry that I will pass on any nastiness from my family. Okay, maybe just a little, but I feel confident I will work hard at controlling any learned judging tendencies, and will be able to respect and focus on the well being of this new person Rob and I have knowingly/willingly brought into this world.
Am I going to magically turn into a four leaf clover kind of person? We all know the answer to that question, but I do believe with work and vigilance I'll be able to put aside my own baggage in order to allow this child to see the world through their own experiences which will not tainted by the color of crap that has been passed down from my family crayon box.
If that makes any sense. : ) Sounded good, anyway.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Has it really be over a month since the last post? How am I supposed to have clearly documented this momentous journey if I can only manage one post a month? And, what the hell have I been up to really?
Well, the baby's room is not done--so not that. : D
Robert and I did go to the US and buy some baby stuff, so that takes into account about 4 days. Family drama can account for about two weeks interspersed throughout the month (what a waste). And the rest, the occasional sleepless night, dental surgery, and general pregnancy malaise.
As an aside, I'm 37 now and wondering how we'll manage to get another child under our belt before the reproduction window closes. I don't even have the first one here and I'm already wondering how to get to the second.
I've had the week off and it was supposed to be one of great achievement. I was to get the baby room all cleared out and ready for painting. Instead I've had to give Rob access to my Facebook and email account to change passwords so I'm not tempted to continue engaging in the current family drama (which has taken on a steamrolling effect of staggering intensity).
An in-law of mine is intent on degrading my mental stability, and appears to carry ill will towards the healthy birth of this innocent baby. How else would you explain a) the timing of these (what can only be called) attacks, and b) someone who would incessantly harass a pregnant woman for the purpose of making their own neuroses easier to swallow? How low can any one person sink? (Pretty low, judging by the emails I've been receiving and my therapist's reaction to some of the things which have been written, and I quote, "that must be one of the cruelest things that could possibly be said to someone in your circumstance"). Thank God I have a good therapist.
So, in order to protect my mental health and the well being of this little growing baby inside of me, I had to step back and cut off all contact with the social networking world to minimize the stress. It's been one hell of a "staycation".
Tomorrow I have the pleasure of hanging out in a clinic to do a second test regarding gestational diabetes, as the first one came back just over the acceptable limit--I'm sure due to the overwhelming stress my family has been putting me under. This second test involves a 3 hour visit in which I'm not allowed to leave the clinic, have to have fasted for 10 hours, and will drink 2 glucose orange drinks while I'm there. Yay.
To pass the time, I've purchased a cheeseball romantic movie for my ipod, and may take notes from a parenting podcast about sleep patterns for babies. I've also recently purchased the "Baby Whisperer", so I'm trying to retain as much of that information as I can before the baby bursts onto the scene.
On a happier note, the baby is kicking quite regularly now. And since I've stopped looking at my email and Facebook in anticipation of the next harassment, each time I feel the baby move, I have a smile on my face. Rob can feel him or her quite easily, and tonight he said, "To think, we're going to have a little person here in just 11 weeks!" To which I looked around the room at everything left to be done and felt some of the stress return.
I can't wait to find out if it's a girl or a boy. And I can't wait for the first little smile and laugh. And I can't wait to hold this little person and tell it how much I love it. Yes, I try not to imagine the poo, and the crying, and for the love of God the actual birth--so, I'll just skip ahead to the fun parts like most people do when they're falling in love with the idea of a baby.
I can't wait for this new little person to form my new family with Rob, which will also allow me to leave a part of the old family behind as my focus will be forcibly (thankfully) redirected.
As for pregnancy stages, I haven't felt my appetite increase, and I haven't noticed any long term cravings--though lately I'd like to drink a fair bit of apple juice (which I know I must control, especially if I'm to avoid any high intake of sugar, never mind full on gestational diabetes). I certainly feel tired, but I can't tell if that's attributable to the pregnancy or the family shit. The doctor says I'm measuring perfectly, despite my Mom and Dad making comments about "how big this baby's going to be".
But overall I think I've been pretty lucky as a pregnant lady, and here's praying that continues on through to holding a little bundle in my arms who looks just as tired as I know I'm going to be after the ordeal, and looks as equally baffled by the world around us, but maybe has Rob's eyes, or my nose, and is grateful for all the love we have to give.
Sweet Baby (rubs belly), I can't wait to meet you!