Thursday, August 24, 2006

Isn't love grand?

"God, it makes me feel so blue
Everytime I think about you
All of the heat of my desire
Smokin' like some crazy fire
Come on here, look at me where I stand
Can't you see my heart burnin' in my hands?
Do you want me?
Do you not?
Does it feel cold, baby?
Does it feel hot?"

Annie Lennox, Wonderful

"All I can do is love you to pieces
Give you a shoulder to cry when you need it
When the day is long and the night is coming down on you
All I can do
All I can do"

Chantal Kreviazuk, All I can do

And finally...

"When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"

Coldplay, Fix you

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Am I lacking... compassion?

Seriously. Do I not have the appropriate amount of empathy for people? Because I thought I did.

Scenario: Student A comes to our front counter and wants to register. Student has no id, photo or otherwise (wallet was stolen), does not know her student id, and her registration form has no courses listed. When asked which courses she would like, she mentions her advisor knows and has emailed the Assistant Registrar. Right. Can I call her Advisor, she asks me. Uh, no. I advise the student she needs to either drop a course, or get additional course approval from the Asst Registrar (which I assume is why the advisor was contacting the AR to begin with). If you aren't dropping a course, I tell her, you'll have to wait to hear back from the AR. Simple.

Student A: "Can you call my advisor?" (again).

Me: "Uh, no. You need to either drop the extra course, or get the approval. Do you want to drop the extra course and add the new course?"

Student A: "Sure."

Me: "What course do you want to add?"

SA: "I don't know, can you call my advisor?"

M: "Uh, no."

SA: "What day is it?"

M: "Wednesday."

SA: "What's the date?"

M: "The 23rd."

SA: "If it's Wednesday, how can it be the 24th?"

M: (internally) If you don't get the hell out of here, I'm going to snap.
M: "It's the 23rd."

Then she intently stares at my nametag while writing down my name and position, which takes her an inordinate amount of time.


If I'm in need of more compassion, it should have been posted in the job description. Perhaps it was. I should have mentioned my compassion depletes in direct relation to the amount of money I make less than $70,000 (seems like a fair number, as far as measuring compassion goes). : )


Tuesday, August 22, 2006

What motivates you?

I often wonder how others are motivated. My thinking that precipitates this sort of wondering comes from me writing only when I'm in a bad mood. Rarely do I write when things are going well, or I've had a good day. The danger with this kind of pattern is the perception it leaves. Yeah, yeah, I should not be concerned with what others think, but I've been dogged my whole life with the label of "negative", to the point where my ex referred to me as Negatiffany. Fucker. : ) And while I have undergone some distinct changes, this label still follows me in new relationships and old.

Some of the people I've dated have asked me outright, "Are you negative?" Well, what if I'm more of a realist, as opposed to a fatalist? Therapists have told me they think it's partly an environmental influence, coupled with past events, and perhaps even a natural disposition. Fantastic. So, if I were like some people, I'd use that as a disclaimer: "I come by it naturally; you've been warned--deal with it." But I'm not. I prefer to look at my behavior in terms of modification, as opposed to acceptance, or even a cure. (But God, if there are cures, please, please send them down to me).

The odd time He listens.

Oh...well, what has he cured? I don't friggin know. I just know I'm not as ridiculously bitter as I'm entitled to be. Yes, entitled. When enough bad shit happens to you, you are entitled to be bitter, as far as I'm concerned. There's a line from King of Sorrow by Sade, "I've already paid for all my future sins". That sums it up. But I still choose not to be bitter (some people may argue that, screw you, I say). : ) I just wish I got more credit for those choices. There I go again, seeking some sort of outward approval. Forget you people, how about that? I'm good just the way I am.

Ahhhh, the temptation to put a question mark at the end of that sentence... Alas.

But, thank God for Ipods, how about that? The ability to carry your own "soundtrack" around with you--how utterly delightful.

"Catch a Dylan song or some eclipse of the moon.
Let an angel swing and make you swoon, then you will see...
You will see."

The Riddle - Five for Fighting

Monday, August 14, 2006


It's all tripe, dammit! I was re-reading my past posts and it really is a good thing no one reads this shit, as I may be embarassed if they did.


Here I sit in Signal Hill Library. My guy is late coming back from work (traffic) and I came here to update my resume, only to discover I forgot my portable usb key back at the office. Mah. So, with nothing to do and all email checked, I shall write some sort of crap on my so-called blog.

What's the latest scoop? Well, I'm more than on the way to falling in love with the guy, but it occurs to me, does he even want my love? I think many women make the mistake of giving our hearts away to men who never asked for them.

Now, clearly some guy is not going to literally ask for my heart or love (yes, I'm aware just how cheesy that sounds), so how does one measure such a thing? How indeed.

My main problem is the damage done to me by my past relationship has me anazying the shit out of the latest relationship--to my detriment of course. While I should be able to rationalize a certain amount of my anixety away, I can't stop myself from doing my own creative "relationship math". As in, one plus one for me equals some really random fraction. I'm constantly trying to figure out what "adds up". If guy does a) than b) = 33 1/3

I'm aware that my mathematical metaphor is crap, but humor me. If the guy cancels one day (due to whatever), what exactly does that mean? Many would say, well, he just cancelled, so what... Whereas, I say why not head off some perceived imminent danger while you can? I'm always "adding" everything up to figure out what it means in the long run.

It's rather tiring, I have to say. What I can say is, I'm really not very good at living on the surface. Even my therapist tells me I need to bring it back up to the superficial--stop looking so intently into everything.

Well, I guess I'll have to think about that. : )