What motivates you?

I often wonder how others are motivated. My thinking that precipitates this sort of wondering comes from me writing only when I'm in a bad mood. Rarely do I write when things are going well, or I've had a good day. The danger with this kind of pattern is the perception it leaves. Yeah, yeah, I should not be concerned with what others think, but I've been dogged my whole life with the label of "negative", to the point where my ex referred to me as Negatiffany. Fucker. : ) And while I have undergone some distinct changes, this label still follows me in new relationships and old.

Some of the people I've dated have asked me outright, "Are you negative?" Well, what if I'm more of a realist, as opposed to a fatalist? Therapists have told me they think it's partly an environmental influence, coupled with past events, and perhaps even a natural disposition. Fantastic. So, if I were like some people, I'd use that as a disclaimer: "I come by it naturally; you've been warned--deal with it." But I'm not. I prefer to look at my behavior in terms of modification, as opposed to acceptance, or even a cure. (But God, if there are cures, please, please send them down to me).

The odd time He listens.

Oh...well, what has he cured? I don't friggin know. I just know I'm not as ridiculously bitter as I'm entitled to be. Yes, entitled. When enough bad shit happens to you, you are entitled to be bitter, as far as I'm concerned. There's a line from King of Sorrow by Sade, "I've already paid for all my future sins". That sums it up. But I still choose not to be bitter (some people may argue that, screw you, I say). : ) I just wish I got more credit for those choices. There I go again, seeking some sort of outward approval. Forget you people, how about that? I'm good just the way I am.

Ahhhh, the temptation to put a question mark at the end of that sentence... Alas.

But, thank God for Ipods, how about that? The ability to carry your own "soundtrack" around with you--how utterly delightful.

"Catch a Dylan song or some eclipse of the moon.
Let an angel swing and make you swoon, then you will see...
You will see."

The Riddle - Five for Fighting