Ready or Not

I've only spent the past five days being sick, so I haven't gotten much accomplished baby-wise. What would I have been doing instead of combating a cold? Cleaning house, setting up car seats (getting them inspected--did anyone else do this?), clearing my trunk, cooking and freezing meals...isn't that enough?

What have I been doing? Having breakfast at a decent hour (after being up in the middle of the night for a minimum 2 hours), watching TV or being distracted with the iPad, and napping (if you can call going back to bed for 2 -3 hours a nap). I'm quite anxious at the prospect of going through labour sick, and even more alarmed at the notion of trying to mother a newborn while sick. Seems like a cruel joke for my body to come down with an instantaneous cold that despite all the sleep in the world continues to progress--first from sinuses to throat then to chest (if that is even any kind of medical progression). I harbour images of struggling to recover from a C-section while coughing--delirious from a lack of sleep--wondering if I'm developing pneumonia as I breastfeed and fretfully analyze my own baby's health on an hourly basis. I've used this image as a big green light to do as little as possible in an attempt to coax my body back to health before labour and my life as a mother truly begins.

I was finally feeling a tad better today so I dragged Rob to dinner and a movie (and had to remind him that despite his lack of interest and energy he was banking "relationship points", as I really needed to get out and spend time as a couple in what will be the last of our non-baby time together). The movie was the Expendables by Sylvester Stallone (and I must say one big pile of BS), because of course the movie we wanted to see was sold out in Imax on a Saturday night (Inception). I have to keep reminding Rob we will have little time for things like this over the next 3 months, and any type of couple time will be a substantial effort on our part involving babysitters and the like.

During the movie the baby was of course periodically kicking about, and I started to experience what I believe is my body's labour preparation--sharp electrical type currents running down into my pelvis and of course pressure. I have occasionally felt my abdomen tightening, but is always a tricky assessment because my belly is obviously running out of room for the baby so always feels big and firm at this point.

At 39 weeks the doctor hasn't done any type of exam so I've no idea if my body has progressed in terms of dilation. All I know is the thought of it all starting in the next few days leaves me breathless, as I know this is going to be more intense than I could ever have imagined, and more tiring than I'm prepared for. I really hope those joyful moments come quickly and often to give me the energy to carry through to establishing a "natural routine" with the baby.

Of course I'm excited to meet the baby, but I'm also anxious about its health--not just during or after delivery but the sheer magnitude of taking care of a little person for the rest of his or her life. Will I recognize any medical issue requiring attention, do I take a baby CPR class--should I have done this already? My mom is at the stage where she would like to be updated constantly, which drives me bonkers though I know is natural on both sides, but when you're sick, is particularly taxing. Add to that the family drama continues to unfold and will always be an unfortunate backdrop to the story of my life.

Our prenatal class is equally exciting and anxiety provoking, as one after another new baby arrives. We have three bundles to date, and at least 2 more on the way with couples being absent last class. It's quite thrilling to see Rob swaddle the creepy baby dolls (labelled as "baby" in pen on their feet), and then practise again at home on Winnie the poo as we sit together in the baby's room (a very nice moment and memory, indeed).

The baby's room: a highlight for sure. I can't believe Rob let me go with such a bold colour, which he worried afterwards was too intense for the baby, but looks quite charming with the contrasting accents of pictures and such. I like to go in there and just sit, even though there are still a last few last touches to be made (crib needs assembly, curtains need to be hemmed and hung--and if it's a boy, one last picture to be purchased and placed. Baby, if you're a girl--we will celebrate and love you all the same!)





I knew pregnancy would not magically transform me into a serene and equally relaxed individual, I just pray my faith and fortitude carry me through the challenges new motherhood will inevitably bring, and that I will intrinsically feel it's all been worthwhile in the end (keeping in mind there is no end to being a parent).


Because after all of that, ready or not, Baby, here you come. : )

Day One

After two hours of sleep, was up until 3:30 am. I had this brilliant flash I would assemble the rocking chair while watching Hope Floats which happened to be airing on TV. Once I had all the pieces out of the box, along with the screws and instructions, I realized I was far too uncomfortable to be monkeying around with all that crap--which looked laborious at best, so I gave up on the chair, gave up on the movie (right after the worst scene where the father refuses to take his daughter with him, leaving her screaming and crying by the car--which of course stressed me out) and instead distracted myself by beating all the top scores in Jawbreaker on our new iPad. : D

Rob asks, "Why can't we just share the high scores?" He doesn't understand it's not the owning of the high scores I want, it's the challenge of beating them to begin with. Once I beat the scores, I wait impatiently for him to set new records so I have something to strive for. A person's got to have goals.

Okay, back to Day One. I count it as today--Monday. Friday was my last day of work. The day before that my co-workers threw me a surprise potluck/baby shower (really, as there were presents), which was an absolute delight. But also made me feel guilty as I've been quite self absorbed during this pregnancy--no energy or desire to plan and think about much in advance; I feel like I'm taking things one day at a time, unfocussed at best, uncaring at worst--even our 2nd year wedding anniversary I put no thought into what-so-ever, and was happy enough we managed to get out to dinner.

Some co-workers in other depts sulked when they glimpsed our celebration (which was subtle). But I've done the "office party" thing: someone brought in a cake for me for my wedding, put up little signs day of, and it was brutal. After the initial cutting of the cake in front of a smattering of people, I sat there for an hour and a half over lunch while the odd person wandered in, politely inquired when the big date was, took a slice and left me alone with the enormous slab of orange and white iced Costco cake. UGH. I even guilted one woman into keeping me company while she ate her lunch. Never again, I vowed. Now I always avoid everyone else's office parties, assuming they have enough people without me. And I hate goodbye parties.

Back to Day One. I spent what you could consider the real day one (Saturday) working on the birth plan in light of having tested positive for GBS. The pregnancy books I've been reading gloss over this little gem with just a small blurb on the test itself, which my Doctor did not warn me was coming (much to the nurses surprise the day of the test) and I can't help but wish I'd known about sooner, as there's much information that suggests I could have treated it naturally had I realized it could be such an issue for the baby.

Despite whatever low percentages there are for actually passing this along to our baby, it changes the labour entirely and adds a very real level of anxiety to the birth process. Not to mention the antibiotics which appear to be standard issue once you test positive only treat the early onset of GBS, do nothing to eliminate the risk of death, and have no bearing on preventing late onset GBS. And when you think about what would cause late onset GBS, you slowly realize the baby would be contracting it from interacting with me, and then you realize you'd better get to sterilizing the daylights out of your house and all hard surfaces which could be carrying this "naturally occurring" bacteria that's perfectly harmless except for those with compromised immune systems such as pregnant women and babies.

Meanwhile, Rob says I should relax as I have the "hardest job of all" of carrying the baby. Right. Let me just finish decorating the room, buying crap for my hospital bag, finding my Dr Ho massager (I hope in and amongst the crap still to be cleared from the baby's closet) to ease the latest sharp pain reverberating throughout my left buttock, wash the rest of the baby clothes, wonder incessantly why I didn't order the baby's dresser online as I wait impatiently for a call from effin Toys R US, finish sterilizing every surface of our messy house--made worse now by my sad attempt at assembling the rocking chair, and get to preparing and freezing those meals that are supposed to make our lives easier once the baby arrives.

No wonder all I look forward to is setting the high scores of Jawbreaker. Oh yes, and I'm more than well aware that no matter what, this baby is on it's way, so I'm even more cognizant that the "more organized I am now the easier that transition will be".

So, now that it's Day One--where exactly do I begin?

Well, seeing as how I've had about 4 hours of sleep, broken up into two shifts from 9:30 to 11:30 and 3:30 to 5:30--I think the iPad and I are heading back to bed (window closed and ear plugs in, of course, to block out the never ending obnoxious West LRT construction noise).

Sigh.

Trapped

Feeling freaked out. 31 weeks pregnant, 9 weeks to go.

9 weeks.

Baby's room is still not done. And between things I need to do to prepare for that, and everything going on at work--I'm overwhelmed. I don't know what anyone else's countdown to mat leave is like, but I'm entering what will be a very busy period between training my replacement, training a new advisor, getting everything I can into some kind of succession plan documented, oh, and two fee deadlines in the next 9 weeks. Keeping in mind I'm only working for the next 6, and in the next 4, I start reduced work days (which is a blessing, but it's not like those shorter days will be easy or breezy).

Maybe I should think about what I have left to do for the baby. Not in any particular order: clear room for painting, set up room after painting, birth plan, hospital bag, sign up for EI, buy stuff for breastfeeding/nursing.

Ugh.

And I can't even drink to procrastinate (like, the odd evening--not at 8 in the morning). : )

I know every single mom to be goes through some of this, but it does not make me feel any better. Just putting it all down makes me feel anxious.

Last night Rob and I listened to a parenting podcast, The Parent Experiment which featured a guest John Salley. I don't know much about John Salley, but the program was on nutrition and how what you're eating, you're feeding your kids, and how everything they learn they learn from you as the parents. Not an earth shattering notion, but he's a vegan so he doesn't drink milk, or eat eggs, and it was just freaking me out thinking about all the things we put into our bodies that are really lousy for us and how I now have to think about raising a healthy little being, so I can't be as cavalier.

A point of contention between my mom and I is her health. I believe that considering I did not choose to come into this world, she as my mother is obligated to be healthy to stick around for as long as I need her. A parent's job never ends, so she should choose to be healthier because I'm going to need her help my whole life. My mom is not healthy, and certainly does not role model a healthy lifestyle or choices.

It's all just a little much and too much to think about!

There's isn't even any bad reality TV I can sink my head into, or a shopping spree I can lose time over (cause I don't know the sex of the baby!--whine, whine).

Deep breath out.

Some people's lives just seem easier. Of course I had to immediately remind myself that to some people, my life seems easier.

Sigh.

Times they are a changin

I'm really not a fan of change. I think some people truly embrace it, but I'm not one of them. Even the slightest of changes can cause anxiety to build in my stomach. When I was younger, I remember getting stressed out when my boyfriend wanted to sell his car. But let's be honest, there isn't much that doesn't provoke at least some level of anxiety in me.

This morning one of my co-workers announced she was being seconded (another dept takes the employee for a set period of time, with their original position being retained until the secondment is over--usually for some kind of project). Typically a secondment is temporary, but I have yet to see any of the Universitie's seconded employees return to their original positions, as invariably a new position gets created out of the secondment.

So, in the middle of the morning meeting-- I don't want to say I burst into tears, but the tears started and I was having a hard time getting my emotions under control. I was praying the meeting would end quickly and wondering what the hell I could think of to try and stem my feelings. For the rest of the day people asked me if I was alright (a few even hugged me), and the co-worker in question was a little awkward with me (not so hard to understand). Sigh. I'd rather it wasn't obvious I like some people much more than they might like me.

It's times like these when I wish I were a man. Could you imagine a guy bursting into tears when a co-worker announces their departure? I think I would start laughing out loud, it would be so ridiculous. This simply would never happen, not even with a gay guy.

And I can't tell if I'm just emotional, or really bad at goodbyes. I remember crying at the goodbye party for one of our managers leaving A.M.A, and I'd hardly been there a year and barely knew him. I also avoided going to my own farewell party at A-Channel, though I'm still not entirely convinced one actually occurred. Mmmm... I really didn't think I was such an emotional person (though when I said this to a friend she just kind of raised her eyebrows).

Rob was also having a hard time understanding how this co-worker's secondment affected me, but it's as simple as she is an excellent colleague and our department is rather unstable, so we need every anchor we can get. Never mind the other support she provides (that thought alone is enough to get my eyes welling again). She also started at the University not long after me, so I've been working with her almost my entire time here, which will be two years in ten days.

Of course it's a good opportunity for her, and very few people will remain in my department over time, but I feel quite affected none the less. With planning a wedding during the next year (possibly followed by a family), I'm not really on some big crazy career train. Inevitably I'm going to see many people come and go. And I'm clearly not ready for anyone to go (never mind her). : (

I could be hormonal, or even a bit tired, as I thought a burglar was trying to break in around 1am last night and had a hard time settling down after waking Rob up for us to search the whole house (we did not find anyone, but I think someone took their trash out and the garbage bin gates are jarringly loud).

Mah.


When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door we do not see the one which has been opened before us. ~ Helen Keller

Anxiety

Defined as: distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune.

It's lame to begin writing with a definition (or rather very cliched). However, I'm dogged by this emotion and I wish people had a better understanding of what anxiety is and how much it can control you.

Scene one: My eyes flicker open. Daylight is streaming happily through my window, but as I take mental note of my various aches and pains, I notice a heaviness has settled in my mind. Frayed images cause an uneasiness I cannot put my finger on. My heart beat accelerates as my mind rushes to and fro in search of the origin of this feeling. I find nothing, but have awakened in a state of anxiety.

Scene two: A familiar thought crosses my mind, "Am I being lied to? Can I trust my perception?" I know now not to ask friends or family to ease my fears, but I don't know what I should be telling myself to ease this panic which has my stomach clenched in unknown anticipation. My breathing is shallow and I struggle to ease the tension now building in my shoulders and neck. My eyes nervously cast about my surroundings, looking for something comforting, familiar, but I find nothing except my anxiety.

I've been told I have a sensitive nervous system. Fantastic. That I should simply go for a ten minute walk when I feel it coming on. Right.

Where I have found some relief is in the form of my latest read, "From panic to power". I highly recommend this to anyone who suffers from even mild anxiety or simply wants to combat the odd anxious thought, which can clearly be avoided.

To say everything begins and ends in the mind sounds trite and oversimplified, but is absolutely true. Any time you find yourself in a bad mood, it's in direct relation to a thought you've had. Any time you feel you're in a state of agitation, if you go back throughout your thoughts, you'll find out what has pushed you there.

The key is in beginning to recognize the toxic thoughts you allow in, and making a conscious effort to not only stop them, but actually talk back to them. Nothing can upset you without your permission.

My biggest breakthrough in tackling my anxiety happened when I shifted from the paradigm of "I feel", to "I think". You cannot control your feelings, but as soon as you control your thoughts, your feelings change.

: )

What a difference

a week makes.

Wow. I literally felt like a different person last week. Anxiety is a scary thing (or hormones, as it's hard to pinpoint the real culprit). By far it's the worst emotion for me, and it's taken me many years to even learn how to combat the typically negative focus and thoughts I am naturally bombarded with. While I acknowledge my progress, I can't help but worry over what I'll be like if I get pregnant. I'm actually quite worried I might experience intense emotions which I'll not be able to combat in any prescriptive sense. Yes, I know... I'm not pregnant, so why worry?

I'm sure this sounds weak, but after experiencing seven or eight days of intense anxiety, depression and irritability, it's clear to me it isn't simply "mind over matter". I'm the first person to accept your thoughts control your feelings, but if you are chemically or hormonally overwhelmed, there is a certain lack of control. Nothing I tried last week worked. I worked out, and afterwards felt more angry and agressive. Compared to this week, after I worked out last night, I felt great.

Now my brother says he has anxiety (rolling eyes). I believe he's a hypochondriac and has developed anxiety in response to another family member's current experience with the less than pleasant emotion. : ) The truth is, my whole family tends towards hypochondria. I suppose it's some consolation I come by it honestly, but it really dosen't help in my day to day interactions with people (who I'm sure think I'm a little more than unusual).

You'd think I'd be more sympathetic of my brother and his anxiety, but... no.
: )

Point of origin

Kernels of tension and uneasiness sputter uncomfortably in the pit of my stomach. Shifting and frothing, they explode into a popcorn of anxiety. Despite an overriding sense of calm and knowing, a mental battle ensues until they grab hold, burning into my tender peace.

If I close my eyes against these feelings, a deep breath is drawn and once again I know. Knowing without knowing. Interesting. The temptation to sit back and relax is overwhelming, but entirely against my nature. I'd much rather hold a stamped ticket firmly in hand.

Turning blind corners isn't as exciting as some might think.