Thursday

I feel grumpy. I'm not sure why, exactly. It could be hormones, it could be the -16 walk into work (which froze my forehead), or it could be it's early in the morning and I'm at work. I'm frustrated because I recognize this as a hard mood to pull out of--somewhat like trying to pull out of a plane dive. At the edge of my thoughts, I realize I'm incredibly blessed, but this plane is flown by emotion and I don't have the luxury of simply getting out. I love people who say "walk it off", "shake it off" and the like. It's really not that simple. Every negative thought I allow to drift into my mind sends the plane deeper and deeper into the nose dive. Pulling out of this mood requires extreme mental discipline and perseverance to fight these all encompassing emotions and negative thoughts.

Yesterday I was in a communications meeting to redesign our course registration and planning guide. In this meeting were people from the strategic marketing dept, which I applied for a few months back, and next to me sat the woman who got the job. : )

I couldn't help but wonder if I would have been better or worse at the position, but since the failed attempt, I've decided it's pointless to pursue any future positions in communications. Clearly I'm not meant to work in communications in any capacity, because I rarely get the interview, never get the job, and it appears as though the universe (aka God), simply doesn't want me to go down that road. What else am I supposed to assume? That job was the closest I've ever come.

So, what else is in store for me then? I wish there was something designed for my personality, but I've no idea what that is. I just feel like my life has been wasted on shitty circumstances.

Someone at work yesterday referred to my negativity (sigh). I wish I had a baseball card with my statistics outlining all the crappy things which have occurred to me that invariably turned me into the person I am today. I'm sure I'd get a bit more compassion and a proper perspective of my so-called "negativity". This thought, of course, makes me sad and sorry for myself.

Suddenly I am brought back to my current reality in which I am surrounded and inundated with deliberate positivity. This is my desk. All around me I've situated positive quotes, photos, happy colors, and anything which I might find comforting during times like these. Obviously on purpose. And so, sitting in front of me are the words, "When one door of happiness closes-another door opens, but often we look so long at the closed door we do not see the one which has been opened before us."



I get caught up in the past and the wasted opportunities, but my present and future are very promising indeed. Thus the photo of Robert. : ) We are discussing moving in, which is both thrilling and scary. This morning I left some things at his house for the first time, which makes me feel extremely vulnerable; I'm terrified of repeating past mistakes. My previous relationship left me traumatized and overly sensitive.

Thank God my current relationship is night and day from the past one. Thank God for Robert.

Lastly, on my wall are the words: "This too shall pass."

And so it will.