All Baby All The Time

Yup. I'm one of those annoying women who is consumed by her pregnancy (sometimes I show it, but not always). I wouldn't go as far as to say I'm smug, though.

Whatever, it's my body, my baby. : D And here in my blog world, I will choose to write about it as often as I like. My friend Amanda only wrote about her pregnancy on Wednesdays , but considering the blogger's block I've suffered from over the past year, I'm going to take advantage of a positive effect of the pregnancy--I feel like sharing and this is something personal and uplifting I can write about. Plus, it's not like I have a legion of followers to lose. Worst case I lose 2 out of the 4 readers that occasionally stop by.

[Side note to explain my defensiveness: last year I stumbled upon some Brat Free websites where people who do not want children "rant" about "breeders" and "moos"--which is putting it mildly. I've never come across anything so vile and upsetting, but then again I don't typically troll the web looking for the bottom of the barrel of humanity, either. Still, I can't help but wonder how many of these people have glared at me and my bump all the while seething with hatred. Ever since then I've felt the need to defend my choice to have a family and my happiness over it.]

Having said that, I doubt I'll be quoting pounds gained, or showing regular belly photos. Maybe the odd monumental baby bump pic, but so far I've only allowed Rob to take one--and it wasn't particularly charming. Despite my eagerness to talk about said bebe, I'm not of the "pregnancy is the most beautiful time in a woman's life" mindset. A little sad, I know.

Well, maybe just one. From St Patrick's Day. : )


Anyway, I'm 17 weeks today and experienced what I feel was the first definitive emotional manifestation of pregnancy hormones.

While walking into work I heard the honk of a goose (I assume). My thought, "I hope that is not an animal in distress." No dramatic images flooded my mind; I can't even say for sure it was a goose; I just had the one thought. Then I felt tears coming on. I quickly reasoned myself out of the reaction, but when I retold the story a few times to coworkers, I found myself getting emotional all over again (I even cried once).

Luckily I work with fabulous women who helped me laugh it off.

I have a feeling this is just the start of the emotions to come, and I really hope those around me give me a wide berth with regards to my "Baby Brain."

Baby Bump Blues

Made it through the first bout of baby bump blues. It's really just baby blues, but if the baby isn't here yet, and it's just a bump...you get it.

It took several days to get past an unfortunate visit with the dentist, something I don't normally react well to, but was exacerbated by the pregnancy. It started with the natural worry about x-rays (which I researched prior to going for the visit to begin with, and followed up with a friendly call to the office to ask if my treatment would change due to the impending bebe).

The appointment took a turn for the worse when the x-ray technician couldn't get a good scan and proceeded to take 6 x-rays, making the comment, "I always have one patient." To which I responded, "Except I'm pregnant and you're freaking me out." Her response? "Oh." Silence. "Ten of these are equal to one."

What does that mean exactly? And because I can easily take on a victim role in the dentist's chair (childhood issues, I think), I said nothing. When the dentist was filling me in on the follow up treatment and I mentioned my due date, he just paused. So between the two of these professionals, I felt as though I hadn't done my job as a mother informing them adnauseum of my pregnancy (despite the rescheduling of the appointment twice and the third call directly asking about the effects on the pregnancy).

Women at work initially bore the brunt of my emotional fallout. Why didn't you say anything to begin with, was always the first question. Because the office knew and knew and knew, I responded--and I researched it in advance! But still, I worried. And when I got home to Rob, the crying started. It was all so avoidable, I sniffled. Are you going to blame me if there's something wrong with the baby, I cried. Finally after much distressing research on the net--both positive and negative, I just called the office and left a message asking exactly how much radiation I had been exposed to.

The dentist himself called me back the next day. My main question, would my treatment have changed had they known or acknowledged I was pregnant? He reassured me that no, it would not have, and yes, he himself knew I was pregnant. He gave me some technical figures about the x-ray exposure itself, and I felt better for having clearly communicated what I needed, and for being heard as a pregnant patient.

Despite this much needed reassurance, I carried the feelings of inadequacy into the weekend and stewed on them subconsciously. Between the dental pain I was experiencing, the abdominal cramps from the baby, and reading the baby books about how much I was going to bond with my mother over the pregnancy--I hit my emotional breaking point.

There are issues I can't even publicly discuss about my mother, so how the hell can this be our grand bonding time? And of course, what kind of mother is that going to make me? Normal, typical, expected questions, even. Doesn't mean they make me feel any less shitty.

Let the comparisons begin. Who do I know with a wonderful mother? Blah, blah, blah. How many female friends do I know with fabulous support systems, yada, yada, yada. Mental neuroses is so predictable and oh-so-tired, but debilitating none the less.

Having made my way through the cloud to the other side (the here and now), fuck that. I'm going to be a damn good mother--my own mother and childhood be damned. I go to therapy. I figure my shit out.

I'm progressive, modern, and aware.

Screw you, insecurity.

Hello, baby. : )

Yes, at some point, my life will be edited for cursing.

But not yet.

Yeah, Baby!

A few baby anecdotes.

When Rob and I were trying to get pregnant, it seemed as though it would truly never happen. Meanwhile, Rob's co-workers were either pregnant, announcing they were pregnant, or had just had babies. This was occuring with such regularity, his boss commented, "Must be something in the water!"

Picture the light bulb going off above Rob's head, and thus, the fertility water was born. Rob would take this water bottle to work and fill it specifically from that water cooler then bring it home. and take it back for a refill as often as possible.

It's just too sweet, I haven't been able to remove the sticky note. : )

***

Happy Birthday, Grandpa!

Rob's Dad's birthday is today and he's been quite grumpy about turning another year older. He went so far as to email Rob saying his phone would be off and not to bother sending him any birthday wishes. Thus the covert operation: "Happy Birthday from Baby" card was born. Rob picked out an ultrasound photo, added the Birthday caption, and arranged for a relative in South Africa (where they vacation every year for a few months) to purchase a Grandpa birthday card and handle the delivery until the "Baby Eagle had landed".

Apparently the old guy softened up just enough to actually speak to a few members of his family that evening, which is saying a lot.

13 weeks 4 days

O.M.G.

Well, I suppose it was more OMG when I actually saw the positive pregnancy test, but after you've been trying for awhile, it's more joy and less surprise when you finally get the second blue line, or whatever equals a positve result with the test you're using for the moment.

And you think once you've seen one baby, you've seen them all--not so. When the picture is of your baby, it really means something. Rob and I went in for the second ultrasound last Thursday, and the first image we saw was the baby squirming about. Aside from that being a major relief, it was amazing. Rob was on his feet and staring in awe between the screen and I on the table. The technician told us she had to do some measurements and she'd come back to the baby, but that first shot of it moving--kicking--was thrilling. After she took the measurements and came back to the baby, it let out a few more kicks. Rob had tears in his eyes after she left the room.

Aside from the baby itself, my second favorite thing about the pregnancy is sharing it with Rob. I've always had misgivings about becoming a mother--not because I don't think I'd be fantastic, but because I don't harbour any unrealistic expectations of the sacrifice and committment it takes, and how utterly life changing becoming a parent really is. Sharing this experience with Rob has taken away a lot of the gut reaction anxiety and fear, and again, not because I know it's not going to be challenging, but because I have a wonderful partner to share this with. Seeing Rob's excited, awestruck, relieved face was worth it. I can't imagine what I'll feel once we see the baby's face after it's born.

Now after holding the news in for sooooo long, being able to finally tell people is making me giddy! I'm "bingoing" all sorts of people with the information--fully understanding not everyone is genuinely happy for me, but I don't care. I'm pregnant. It makes me happy. I wasn't sure how I would feel, as I'm such a realist about the whole motherhood thing, but now that we've been told it's a low risk pregnancy, and everything looks as good as it can--I'm bloody excited!

Purchases so far:
- one random light for the baby's room (cute solar powered "plane ride light", which I've wanted for my "baby" the first moment I laid eyes on it in a toy store).
- Western baby onesie--of course, soooo cute.
- Flames baby onesies. Ahhh, the joy of purchasing for the future little person is so fun in itself!

Symptoms:
- hardly any of which to speak of. No nausea, hardly any aroma issues, odd physical things here and there, but compared to this woman at work who's at least 6 months pregnant and still on anti-nausea pills--I'm laughing. The symptoms have been so few, I was worried it meant there was something wrong with the pregnancy.

People told so far: Both parents, many at work, brothers, close friends. We didn't make any ceremony out of it with friends, as we just felt so tentative. Now that a few days have passed and we feel a bit more confident and excited, I realized we could have "done it up" a bit, but once the baby gets here, there will be plenty of attention all around.

Of course my Mom is already talking about being in the delivery room, so I'm working on letting those expectations down for her. : ) I'm just trying to get used to the idea there's a little being growing inside me. What with no symptoms for so long, I truly felt maybe it wasn't real. Even after the first ultrasound, and the picture of the little baby bean on the screen, I didn't think it was real.

Now I know, this is real.