A search on the Internet revealed a very small clue: a listing of two names from a Local History book index for Vulcan and Wheat County. Fortunately the maiden name was present, and this gave me an indicator for what her married name might be. After searching her under the married name, I found a listing in Lethbridge.
I didn't think much of it until the subject came up again during a family dinner. My brother revealed he had even gone down to Vulcan and searched the cemetery to try and find the family connection. I mentioned the information I found, and it was surprising just how interested we individually were in our family history. I forwarded the info I'd discovered to my other brother and he had the foresight to search the address I'd found along with the name listing in Lethbridge.
It was a senior's center. After that we knew we had a chance. How many women in Alberta could have such a distinctive name such as Wilma, have the Vulcan connection (which was her birth town) and be alive in a senior's center? It had to be her.
Before I had confirmed the senior's center, I'd thought of phoning the number I'd found with her name. I'd considered writing a letter. Once I had my brother involved, he was as convinced as I was that some contact needed to be made and needed to be made soon.
This was my grandmother, after all. My mom's mom--who had left her and the family in 1950 when she was 18 months old--never to be heard from again, at least from what we knew.
We wondered if we should even tell my mom what we found, but I couldn't help it--as always, and it turned out she wasn't concerned about our plan in the slightest and gave us the go ahead. She kept reiterating what we were doing was for "us and us alone", as she couldn't care less. Right. Who wouldn't care to find out the true story behind their mother leaving and never having contact with them for the next 60 years? I'm sure there's no baggage there what so ever. : )
My brother thought my letter was confrontational--"accusatory" even. I thought it was factual and respectful, and my Dad and Mom agreed. My grandmother's leaving the family had always been a big secret. Even after my mom asked a few family members, she was told nothing--no one was the wiser, it seemed. The true story, it seemed, had gone to her father's grave.
Until now.
The letter asked for a bare minimum of the truth to be shared, and indicated that no knowledge of the series of events had ever been given to my mother. It mentioned how I was currently pregnant with my first child, touched on my brother's briefly and also underscored that should nothing come of our attempt, we would fully respect a responding silence. I included a copy of my mom's baby picture, a wedding picture which she keeps in an album next to her mother and father's wedding picture, and a copy of the family tree from my mom's baby book.
We thought we were throwing the equivalent of a bottle into an ocean. After 60 years, I thought there was no way this woman would have anything to do with any one of us, never mind my mom. She hadn't made any attempts as far as we knew, so why would we have any success now? I'm not sure under the same circumstances if I would have the courage after 60 years to provide or get the necessary closure. And did she even have any of her faculties left? So many questions, and such a long shot.
I mailed the letter on a Sunday. I got a phone call that Thursday.
"My name is Adrien. My mother received a letter from you about a family connection. Give me a call so we can talk about it. I look forward to hearing from you." He didn't sound that old. He didn't sound angry. But I was afraid to phone him back. My mom couldn't believe we'd gotten a call and encouraged me to phone immediately. I stalled for a few moments, but started dialing anyway.
After introducing myself, Adrien responded, "I'm your uncle. And my mother is your grandmother. I can't tell you how excited I am." And after a bit, "Let me assure you, my mother has never forgotten your mother."
We couldn't believe it. My mom still can't believe it. She thought she didn't care, but once we'd made contact she worried her mother wouldn't have the courage to come through and actually meet with us--meet with her daughter. Give us some answers.
They are meeting today for the first time in 60 years.
It all seems so simple now. If we hadn't sent that letter, we would never have known this could be possible. In a million years, my mom never thought she'd have this opportunity. We know to have low expectations, but having come this far, we can't help but wonder at the possibilities--even with her brother's (our uncles) at the very least.
And if nothing else, my mom will finally know more of the truth, can stop speculating, can stop looking at her mom's pictures for "clues", and can perhaps get some peace.
Adrien also commented several times just how "well written" and "respectful" the letter really was.
Well of course it was.
: D
4 comments:
Tiffany, this is an amazing story! You are so brave for pushing forward and going through with every step. No matter what happens, your family will be better for it. Here's hoping it goes well!
WOW! This is an amazing story, and very a well written post - I wish you'd post the original letter you sent, too ;-) Can't wait to hear about what your mom learns from the meeting. I can't imagine how she's feeling. What a gift you have given her.
It's nothing too dramatic. I've blanked out personal bits (I get a bit parnoid about privacy).
Wilma and family,
My name is , and I'm the daughter of Sandra . Sandy was born May to Wilma and Bernard (see enclosed baby picture and family tree from the side which was copied from Sandra’s baby book). While Sandra was less than 2 years old, Wilma left Sandra and Bernard for reasons which have never been disclosed to her. Sandra went on to live in Markerville with her grandparents Laura and Andrew.
What my mom knows is Wilma lost custody legally, and even after Bernard's death in Sandra’s early thirties, no one else in her family has or will shed any light on the reasons behind her parent's parting or how it came to be that Bernard won custody of Sandra.
Based on searches we’ve done through the Internet, what we believe we know of Wilma is that she went on to marry of Vulcan and that she had two sons.
The reason I'm writing this letter is twofold: to potentially find out the reason why Wilma left Bernard and my mom or how it came to be that Bernard won custody, and to extend the offer to know more about my mom and her family. We are not looking for details to be divulged which may be painful to yourself or Sandra, just more of an understanding of how things came to be, as it’s not clear why it’s been such a tremendous family secret which appears to have gone to Bernard’s grave.
As my mom ages, it's clear she’s exploring more questions about her own mother and the reasons behind her leaving, and that my mom might be seeking some closure in that regard. Add to that the natural curiosity we as her family share regarding our grandmother, which is why we started searching for Wilma on the Internet.
I’m currently pregnant with my first child, and also have two brothers who each have a daughter. My parents have been married for over 40 years and are both still alive. I have enclosed their wedding picture which my mom keeps in a photo album next to her own parent’s wedding picture.
If you are not the right Wilma, please disregard this letter. If you are in fact Sandra's mother—my grandmother, I can understand any hesitation you might feel with regards to replying to this letter after so many years, and that you may not want to dredge up the past. Please know we will respect your wishes, and should you ultimately choose not to respond, we will understand and will not make any further attempts at contacting you or your family.
As mentioned, we are hoping to simply hear the true nature behind Wilma leaving the family at such a young age in my mom's life, and should you choose to share this information and nothing else, we will respect your wishes entirely.
If you do wish to know more about our family, or if anyone from your family would like more information, we would be willing to answer any questions you might have. If you wish to have any contact information regarding Sandra, we would certainly be willing to share this with you.
Respectfully,
That is a great letter, my dear! They must have been floored when the received it. And what an amazing photo. Can't wait to hear the details of the meeting. Call me!
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