Sigh

I was going to write I was through with dating, but when you're single and you want to end up with someone, you're going to have to date. It's just that every time one of these little flings end, I am reminded why I'm in this place to begin with. This "place" being I'm going through a divorce. I'm not even 33 and somehow it seems very wrong to be going through a divorce.

There's the sigh.

This one ended over...what? He wasn't that into me (truthfully, I was only partially into him and it wasn't worth it if both of us were only half ass). It's trite. It's true. He didn't have a good reaction when I called him on it, and between that and my subsequent reaction, it's kaput. It wasn't even at kapow, so it's a little surprising it's already kaput.

Right now my life feels like a bazooka joe comic. And I never got the punchlines to those either.

But, you can't give up hope. What would life be like with no hope?

Today in church the pastor encouraged the congregation to read the church "bulletin" because I had written my story about being baptised. My name was even mentioned. I admit it was a bit thrilling. Afterwards a woman came up to my friend and I, and she had an incredible energy emanating from her and was oddly peaceful. During the conversation she mentioned how relaxed I looked, which was surprising (to me and anyone who knows me).

There are few people you can speak frankly with about God. When an opportunity presents itself, I'm more in the habit of taking it. This woman told me it was "nice to meet a celebrity". Right. The pastor told me he quoted me a few times earlier in the week. Nice. Before I left this morning, I made a point of touching his arm. I don't know why.

Today was a day when I needed God. I suppose the point is to rely solely on him, but that can be a bit hard to swallow at times. None the less, God is everywhere and is trying to woo me. Really. To paraphrase John Eldridge, "Captivating", God created this desire in us--in me it's to be a priority to a partner, which is exactly what God wants from me.

I can see God at work in my life and it can be unsettling, although a little exciting as well. Today I felt like my experience at church was a gift. I cried in my car afterwards. This was all before the fling was flung.

In the parking lot after the celebration was over, the last thing my friend Jill said to me was, "don't settle."

I hadn't given her any details regarding the guy situation, and still God found a way to get His message across.