All anyone can do

What we refer to as the "change period" just wrapped up at work. I could wax on about why or why not we refer to the first two weeks of university as the change period, which culminates on the last day of adding, dropping courses and paying fees (this past Friday), but that's really beside the point.

My point being, I made it through. At least two hours of overtime every day, partial breaks, millions of dollars cashiered, balanced and deposited--I was in charge of the fees side of the house managing a small team of people--and we did a great job. The whole operation was relatively smooth. I kept the area organized and we're on target in terms of payments left to process. My boss says I should feel a sense of satisfaction; she felt confident I had things well under control. But after all the anticipation and anxiety surrounding the arrival of this month, it feels anticlimactic now that it's over.

But I may just be reacting to finding out I'm not pregnant (once again). I suppose it's not been that long, 3 months if you're counting, but after the concerted effort of trying not to get pregnant when you're younger, you hope it will happen quite easily once you decide you're "ready". All the while in the back of your mind you wonder if you even have the option. Will the second friggin line ever show up?

The whole process is stressful. Timing things out, waiting, testing. Not drinking. Not eating Caesar salad. Not taking advil. Is this a symptom, is that a symptom? You start to understand how a woman could have a hysterical pregnancy. Never mind all the people who get pregnant no problem, despite weight, how much they drink/smoke/do drugs, while some perfectly healthy people have no chance at all.

How does a person come to terms with this? Or anything else for that matter? There's no such thing as just "relaxing" and "letting it happen." Never mind if you're me. I'm methodical. Linear. There is a logical way of approaching things; it does not involve going with the effin flow. No pun intended.

Is there really a larger plan? Is it more likely that life is a random series of tragedies, luck and nonsensical events all strung together?

Mah.

And I'm reminded of the wasted years. 7 wasted years. If I had those seven years back, Rob and I could have had more time together before attempting a family. Maybe I'd be up right now blogging about how our second baby is keeping me up at night instead of bemoaning my circumstance in a dimly lit room tap tap tapping in front of a glowing monitor. Sigh.

My ex sauntered into the fees area of the University on Friday. We saw one another, I turned my head and kept on walking. Less than a minute later I looked over and he was gone. I have no idea why he was there. What would I say anyway? How's your second wife--the woman you cheated on me with? Do I want to hear if she's pregnant or that you might have twins because that's how life works?

Maybe I just shouldn't watch Grey's Anatomy or ER before bed time. There's some unrealistic nonsensical bullshit. This is where a person gets ridiculous expectations of everything tying together in karmic fashion. I can also blame years and years of reading Harlequin novels. Maybe if I hadn't repressed my teenage angst in stacks and stacks of trashy romance, I'd have had sensible judgement and seven more fertile years.

Maybe I just have to get over it, because hope is what I do have and you can't be all that self indulgent because it just doesn't get you anywhere.

You have to choose to be optimistic.

And remember the good things.

Good friends.

Good family.

A good husband.


"To bear up under loss.
To fight the bitterness of defeat and the weakness of grief.
To be victor over anger.
To smile when tears are close.
To resist evil men and base instincts.
To hate hate and to love love.
To go on when it would seem good to die.
To seek ever after the glory and the dream.
To look up with unquenchable faith in something evermore about to be.

That is what anyone can do, and so be great."